This week’s question is: If you could go on tour with any 80’s hair band, which would you choose?

Let’s see what Clancy Nacht and A. Morell have to say!

When I took on this question, I was thinking, “This is perfect. I can promo my Black Gold series and it will all seem super smooth because I’m such a GENIUS at marketing!”

And I apparently totally forgot that during the 80s at the height of hair bandom, I pretty much listened exclusively to Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Cure, and Depeche Mode. Not that I was totally unaware of the phenomenon of the hair band and I certainly didn’t escape without getting at least a little drool on Sebastian Bach, but it really wasn’t my thing.

No, while cross dressing was apparently a great way to show off your virile masculinity, I was all about pasty-faced British people. However, I did really like Guns N’ Roses, so I told my cowriter, Thursday Euclid, that I was probably going to go with that.

Then we had an argument as to whether GNR were a hair band.

Technically, they were a little late in the game for hair banding proper, but in aesthetic, I think it stands. Part of why I liked them, though, was that they had a harder edge, less bubble gum and trying too hard.

But look, I probably wouldn’t have gone on tour with them then. I was pretty ready to travel at the time and I didn’t even deign to see them in concert.

The question, however, does not specify WHEN I would go on tour with them or why. So, here’s my plan. Based on the story a friend told me of her seeing Axl Rose in Cabo doing karaoke to his own songs, and my frankly awe-inspiring aping of Axl Rose when I do karaoke, I would go on tour with them now for those nights when he’s too high or Axl Rose-y to go on himself.

I believe that given a few shows, the band would hire me on full time. Hear me out. Not only am I almost positive that I could rock out at least 5 out of 7 nights a week, I’m pretty sure that the dance classes I took when I was ten and thinking I’d want to be on the drill team someday (I totally didn’t) make me a better dancer. And, I could make my hair blond. I’m pretty sure I have more of it than he does. He may look better in spandex than I do, but probably not by much these days.

I can also promise at least 80% less vomit. I’m very punctual (give or take 20 minutes.) I accessorize exceptionally well. I know most of the words to some of their more popular songs. Aaand, I am a woman so I only have to be paid 77% of what Axl made!

So, I’d go on tour with Guns N’ Roses. And steal their jobs.

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Definitely going with Bon Jovi, past or present day. I’m not into guidos but I’ve just come to the realization that I do have a soft spot for Jersey boys that stretches back at least to the first Kevin Smith movie I ever saw (Mallrats, by the way). But I do think Bon Jovi would be fun to spend time with, and not in the stereotypical drink-till-you-die rock and roll way. Semi-responsible fun? Is that a thing? Plus Livin’ On A Prayer is one of my karaoke standbys, and I would love to swap hair tips with Jon and David. Jon for blowouts and David for natural curls.

Though if I had the chance to spend a day trash talking over beers with Dee Snider I would take that instead in a heartbeat. I feel we’d agree on a lot of things. (Apologies to the rest of Twisted Sister, but hey—one hit, one band member.)

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